in Therapy

I just wrote a whole blog which ended with ‘Do NOT respond.”

I then realised it probably wasn’t something I should put on the internet.

Instead I’ll give you a little anecdote: A few weeks ago I was on the train. I put down the folding table in front of me and found some folded up pages of typescript. A cursory glance told me it was a story. I spent the next few hours imagining that I had discovered a few pages from an author’s preliminary manuscript. Perhaps I could contact the author. Perhaps it was a little glimpse into his soul, or his imaginarium. Private; he hadn’t meant for it to be found. Or read. Or thought about.

At the end of the day, I curled up in bed and unfolded the pages. It was a dull and detailed account of a poker game.

Life is shit.

I thought about it for a while though and came to a different train of thought. I don’t only write my diary to be read. I’m never leaving anything on a train, diary or not. I’m surprisingly private – some of my friends say uptight. I don’t mind sharing as long as I can choose who I share with. I can tell people I’ve known for ten days about my nationality complex, but if any of my years-long friends even discover a fanfiction I have written, or an essay about Hinduism, I would feel very uncomfortable. ANrgy, even, that it was not in my control what they knew about my mind.

I shouldn’t have posted here about deep dark problems, and I won’t again. The internet is no a void, it’s full of people, people I know, people I do not want to talk about my indiscriminate thoughts with.

Sorry that this sounds so bitter and defensive; I always intend to write something light-hearted. I don’t know why my blogs always come across so dark and angry when I’m pretty sure I’m fine at the moment. Perhaps I’m not, but that’s not for you to know.

xxx F

2 thoughts on “in Therapy

  1. I hope you are alright, I have kept up with your blogs because I find them interesting to read but not trying to be intrusive! Keep your head up and try to keep yourself busy, and keep writing because that's good therapy too! But it doesn't need to be about the problems, sometimes just writing about something completely unrelated is enough just to get something out. And talk to the people close to you about the deep stuff, difficult as it is, it is honestly true that talking makes everything suddenly so much better. Hope things improve x

    Like

  2. Whether you want to talk or not, it's important for you to know that your friends are here and always ready to listen. X

    Like

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